It’s difficult to know what goes on in another person’s mind, often we don’t even know our own mind; but that doesn’t mean we won’t try. Being able to predict the behavior of others is vital in so many things, it’s impossible to resist attempting to do so, even though we are often wrong.

More often we are right. The human mind is exquisitely sensitive to detecting changes in emotion, attention, attitude, and mood. We constantly scan the faces of people we are with for this information. We are often accurate, even though we may not be able to verbalize why or what led us to that conclusion. However, what we get from all this ceaseless scanning is broad strokes and few details. Often we are dead wrong about the reasons people have.

Undifferentiated, dependent people will scrutinize your reactions to determine how they think and feel. They will want to go for Chinese, as opposed to Italian food, because they see you have more interest in General Tso and want to please you. Maybe you had another reason to perk up when the General’s chicken was mentioned. Regardless of the actual reason and their own desires, soon you will be eating with chopsticks.

Undifferentiated, dependent people use this ability to make you responsible for the choices made, but we all need to be able to enter the mind of others. When I am teaching, I am always watching faces to see if I lose anyone. I won’t know why I lose them, maybe they’re worried about something at home, maybe they don’t feel well, maybe they have ADD, or maybe I’m not explaining well. I’d better be watching, because if I start to lose someone, I can make corrections, repeat myself, or explain differently.

We call this ability mind mapping. A map does not contain all there is to know about a territory, but a good map gives you enough information to get around. We need accurate maps of the inside of another’s mind. This is especially true in the case of someone we are intimate with. Married people need an accurate map of the inside of their partner’s mind. In order to get one, it is not enough to scan faces; you have to talk.

You need to know what matters to your partner, why it does, and what barriers they face. You need to know what their work is like, what it’s like to stay home with the kids, who their friends are, and whether they are planning on playing golf all day Saturday. If you don’t know: if you don’t care, or if you aren’t paying attention, or if they don’t tell you, problems will ensue.

When we all lived down on the farm and rarely left home, it was not too hard to know your partner’s mind. However, most of us don’t live this way. Couples go to separate places during the day, and often at night, too, they often have different circles of friends, or may be absorbed by their own family of origin. It is very easy for couples living a modern life to get disconnected and lose each other.

Downloading a new mind map needs to be something you do daily. It has to be a priority, or you will lose each other. In my next posts, I’ll show you a couple of exercises that will help you.

Click here to go to the entire Relationships series.

You know the drill. You start dating someone and they seem like the most wonderful person in the world. Then you become familiar with each other and, all of a sudden, they are the spawn of the devil.

You know the reasons. People are polite on their first dates. They’re putting their best feet forward. They want you to like them. And you are doing the same thing. When you begin to date, you are not getting to know the real person, you are getting to know that person’s masks. And they are only seeing yours.

I believe that the masks you choose are as authentic a part of your self as what lies beneath. Appearances do matter. The fact that you select, for instance, a bragging, audacious persona versus a reserved, deferential one says something, even though both may hide a fragile ego.

However, the mask is not the whole story. Sooner or later, in any meaningful relationship, the hidden person shows up. Then you have a choice. You can:

1. Split up and start the whole process over again with someone else.
2. Try to change your partner so that the inside of him matches the outside.
3. Deal with the reality of the situation and learn to respect your partner, even the things you don’t initially like.
4. Put on a new mask and collude as your partner puts on a new one himself.

Number 4 is a common choice that people make. It leads to trouble. In the next post, I will show you how.

Click here to go to the entire Relationships series.

Look at a shoes you’re wearing. Your two shoes go together, they match. No one can say that they don’t. Even if you lose one and leave it behind in the road, they are still a pair of shoes.

Now tie them together, one to the other. Go ahead.

Now try to walk.

You’ll be able to do it. You’ll take short, mincing steps. If you had to walk that way, you could. If you lived in a world where everyone tied their shoes together that way and walked, you might not think to do it differently. However, I think you’ll agree it doesn’t work well that way.

Go ahead and retie them the way they are supposed to be tied. This is the end of the demonstration.

Now think about your relationships. How do you tie people to you? Why do you do this? Do you keep them close so that there can be no question that you are a pair? Are you afraid to lose your partner? Or is it you that might get lost?

Think about how you lose a shoe. You don’t lose a shoe because it’s not tied to its partner. You lose it when it’s not tied to itself.

Keep yourself tied to yourself and you won’t get lost. In other words, be a fully functioning adult. Take responsibility, have composure, and practice moderation and meaningful endurance.

When your partner keeps him or herself tied, he or she won’t get lost, either. Both of you, keep yourselves tied and you’ll be able to walk, together.

Click here to go to the entire Relationships series.