If you thought the key test that I told you about in the last post in this series was too simple, you’ll like this better. Get two counters. You know, the kind you put in your pocket and click. Set them to zero and put one in each pocket.

Now see how you interact with your partner.

Every time you make a negative comment to your partner, a criticism, a beef, a bitch, or a complaint, click that counter in your left hand pocket. Whenever you impugn negative motives, roll your eyes, or heave a dramatic sigh, click that left hand counter. Anything he or she might take offense at, anything that cuts your partner down a notch or two, gets a click.

Click the right hand counter whenever you give thanks, express admiration, listen to her stories, laugh at his jokes, whenever you spoil her. A smile, a tender touch, a hug, a kiss, those xx’s and oo’s in his lunch, those flowers you sent to her workplace, that negligee he gave you that you wore, all warrant clicks of the right hand counter. Exactly how many clicks a dozen roses gets, is open to interpretation. Basically, anything nice you do, anything affirming, gets clicks.

Be sure you understand the difference between positive and negative. If you say you nag your husband to put the toilet seat down is positive because you love him, then you don’t understand the difference between positive and negative. If he is likely to perceive the nagging as negative, it’s negative, no matter how sweetly you think you say it.

And guys, putting that seat down if she wants you to deserves a click, also.

Now look at the ratio of clicks, the right versus the left. You’re shooting for 20:1. Studies have shown that’s the ratio of positive to negative interactions found in happy couples. Conflicted couples have about 5:1. One to one, or worse, predicts divorce.

Yes, that’s right. There should be about 20 positive contacts for every negative. That’s how many positive interactions it takes to overcome the detrimental effects of one lousy unit of negativity. Negativity hits us harder, it packs more punch, we remember it longer, we take it to heart. Positivity is often taken for granted. Positivity needs to overwhelm for it to get noticed at all.

Click here to go to the entire Relationships series.

Sometimes it’s hard to know how you feel about your partner.

Feelings are complicated, especially in how they pertain to intimate relationships. Summarizing how you feel is sometimes like taking a bucket out of the Atlantic Ocean and saying, here, this is what the ocean is like.

A bucket of water is not what the ocean is like. Even if you get a jellyfish, you might miss scooping up a shark.

Good thing there’s a simple test that cuts through a lot of the ruminations and bullshit.

I call it the key test. It works like this:

Imagine you are home alone and you hear a key opening the door. It’s your partner.

What’s your first reaction? Is it positive or negative?

That’s the key test.

I told you it was simple.

Click here to go to the entire Relationships series.

Here’s another exercise that can improve your relationship. It’ll clear out all those labels and stories you’ve attached to your partner and help you see him or her as they are. It’s called Feeling While Touching.

1.      Get within arm’s reach of your partner.

2.      One person should go at a time. One person initiating the contact and the other being contacted.

3.      One touches the other. Move the touch around.

4.      Both stay focused on the sensation of the touch.

5.      It’s best if you don’t talk. This way you can focus. Smiling helps. Crying is allowed. A slow pace works better.

6.      Start anywhere, stay in the moment.

7.      If either of you stops paying attention or gets caught up in thoughts, go back to where you were when you stopped.

8.      When, you are done, switch, and let your partner do the touching.

Take sex off the table when you are doing Feeling While Touching. In theory, sex is a good place to get in touch with your partner. In practice, it’s where many disconnect from each other. Once you are done with the exercise, though, if you want to have sex, then go for it. I won’t stop you. You are well prepared.

Click here to go to the entire Relationships series.

I have an object in my office, nailed to the wall, it looks like this:

 

“What is this object?” I ask.

Most people would say it’s a fly.

“OK, why do I have a fly nailed to my wall?”

“It must be a joke,” most say. “Fly on the Wall, get it?”

“Is it really a fly?”

“No, it’s not really a fly. It’s a brass object made to look like one.”

If I take the brass object made to look like a fly down, put it on a table, and open it up, it looks like this:

 

“Now, what is this object?”

It becomes evident that it’s actually an ashtray. But, most people struggle with this awareness because they had already categorized the object as a fly.

“Why would a person have an ashtray?”

“They’d need an ashtray if they smoked, but I guess you don’t, or you used to, so now you don’t need an ashtray, so you put it up on the wall as a joke.”

They’re right, it is a joke. It’s also an object lesson I use sometimes to point out the difference between the thing in itself and the labels and stories we attach to them.

We are very quick to attach labels and stories, not only to brass objects, but to everything else, including people, including ourselves. But, because we are so quick, we are often wrong, or incomplete.

In the last few posts, we’ve been looking at some powerful myths and psychological processes that get in the way of seeing our partners the way they are. It pays to not be so attached to labels and stories. It’s important to always go back to the thing in itself and to be open to seeing it in a new way.

Click here to go to the entire Relationships series.