The Shrink’s Links: Sam Baker
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This week’s shrink’s link is to a musician:
Sam Baker
Baker was in a train in Peru when a terrorist’s bomb blew it up. What followed was years of recovery. If you have experienced trauma and don’t have the words to describe your pain, he might.
The Shrink’s Links: Mating in Captivity
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Mating in Captivity
A few weeks ago, I brought you her Ted Talk, which I had first discovered. I was so taken by the hypothesis she presented that I went out and bought her book, Mating in Captivity. I was not disappointed.
Why does sexual desire diminish in many long term relationships? It diminishes precisely because the relationship is working. She writes:
Sexual desire does not obey the laws that maintain peace and contentment between partners. Reason, understanding, compassion, and camaraderie are the handmaidens of a close, harmonious relationship. But… Aggression, objectification, and power all exist in the shadow of desire, components of passion that do not necessarily nurture intimacy.
So, how do you put the X back into sex without being one of those couples that fight all the time and fall into bed when they make up?
She argues that, instead of always aspiring to be close, couples should cultivate their private sense of selfhood, a personal intimacy to counterbalance intimacy with the partner. Cultivate your own garden, in other words.
Here’s how it works: The balancing act between being close to your partner and being true to yourself is as simple as breathing. You want until you have, and then you let go. Then you want again.
The Shrink’s Links: The Hero Within
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Everyone has a hero inside them. Look here to see who is in you.
The Twelve Common Archetypes
The Shrink’s Links: Colleen Klintworth
Bringing you the best of mental health every week.
Today I want to introduce you to:
Colleen Klintworth
Colleen Klintworth, CASAC, MHC-LP, will be working with me as an intern, with her own clients, using my office on the weekend and a couple of days during the week.
The laws pertaining to counselors in New York State are extremely rigorous and infuriatingly split into separate regulations concerning substance abuse counseling and mental health counseling, as if the two fields had any reason to be divided. Colleen already has a great deal of experience in the substance abuse field, she has even been a supervisor; but she lets nothing get in the way of treating her clients in an holistic manner. Therefore, to work in mental health and establish a private practice, she must meet the requirements to be a mental health counselor and come to work with the likes of me.
Her soft southern accent belies the years she spent in North Carolina, raising a family. Like most good therapists, this is her second career. She started off as an editor. Undoubtedly, she will help her clients re-author their own stories and develop sides of their own characters they never knew they had.
Click here to go to her site.
The Shrink’s Links: Life Hacker
Bringing you the best of mental health and relationship articles on the internet.
Today’s link from the shrink is:
Life Hacker
Life Hacker can tell you how to do anything.
Click here to go to the link
The Shrink’s Links: The Yellow Birds & Fire and Forget
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Today, we have a double shrink’s links. Two links for the price of one. Two great books of fiction I recommend about America’s recent war experience:
The Yellow Birds by Kevin Powers
and
Fire and Forget Edited by Roy Scranton and Matt Gallagher
In both cases, the authors are veterans of the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan. The Yellow Birds is a novel and Fire and Forget a collection of short stories written by a collection of writers. Nearly all the narratives follow a warrior returning home broken and finding he doesn’t fit in, after knowing the horrors of war. I believe they offer a pretty accurate depiction of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and an incisive exploration of the problems reintegrating veterans into society.
But, I have a question. It seems like no war story can be published today without PTSD being a major theme. I admire these writers for coming home and writing about their experiences. But, I really want to know: are they writing about what they want to say, or what we are prepared to hear?
When did Post Traumatic Stress Disorder dominate over other aspects of war? When I think of other literature from past conflicts, there are other narratives. In The Iliad, warriors are preoccupied with becoming immortal by the renown of their glorious acts. The Red Badge of Courage focuses on, well, courage. Gone with the Wind, the civilian side of war. Joshua, on loyalty to God. War and Peace, All’s Quiet on the Western Front, and A Farewell to Arms gave us realistic depictions of battle, but little about the aftermath. Catch 22, the absurdity of the military. What I remember of The Naked and the Dead is the descent soldiers take into bestiality. In other novels, the authors deal with friendship, confrontation with other cultures, religious conviction, the inexorability of fate, love and longing, disobedience of authority, etc. Any theme that can be presented in literature has been presented in war literature because war pushes everything to the furthest degree.
I think it’s safe to say that some veterans of every war returned traumatized by what they saw and did. There is nothing new about PTSD even though the disorder has only been named and categorized since Vietnam. I’ve been told that in the past, the sufferers of PTSD were marginalized, their bravery questioned, their voices silenced. Clearly, that was wrong and it would be better to fully understand the costs of war before we consider going to another war. But, come on; do we give our veterans a service when we presume that they are going to be messed up, when their madness is highlighted over their courage?
I’ve seen quite a few veterans in my office. They come in for every problem that people can have. In some cases there’s PTSD, but in every case there are other stories to tell. Can they tell all there is to tell? Can we listen to it all?
The Shrink’s Links: The Secret to Desire in Long Term Relationships
Bringing you the best of mental health and relationship articles on the internet.
Today’s link from the shrink is:
In long-term relationships, we often expect our beloved to be both best friend and erotic partner. But as Esther Perel argues, good and committed sex draws on two conflicting needs: our need for security and our need for surprise. So how do you sustain desire? With wit and eloquence, Perel lets us in on the mystery of erotic intelligence.
Related articles
Relationships, Part 29: Collusion versus Collaboration
Not all associations are collaborative. Some associations have no shared goals. Others form a collusion. Collaboration involves working together for mutual benefit; collusion permits people to escape their responsibilities and avoid difficult issues. One party agrees to look the other way in exchange for the other doing the same.
The wife who fakes orgasm so that her husband will believe he’s a great lover, is in collusion.
The husband who signals to not bring up certain things at the dinner table with his mother, is in collusion.
The wife who calls in sick for her husband when he’s hung over, is in collusion.
The husband who doesn’t say anything about his wife’s affair because she might say something about his, is in collusion.
The mother who permits her husband to molest her daughter, rather than break up her home, is in collusion.
A Bishop who transfers a pedophile priest, rather that insist he get treatment and take responsibility for the harm he caused, is in collusion.
Collusions appeal to the worst in people, rather than bring out the best.
Asking someone to overlook your shortcomings, while overlooking theirs, is collusion.
In collusion, I stroke your ego and you stroke mine.
At the heart of every collusion, is a secret, something we don’t want to get out. Something we don’t want to confront, because, if we confront it, everything just might get better.
Click here to go to the entire Relationships series.
The Shrink’s Links: Review of the Uses of Enchantment
Bringing you the best of mental health and relationship articles on the internet.
Today’s link from the shrink is:
The Uses of Enchantment
This a book that I have loved since it first came out in the 1970’s even though its author, Bruno Bettleheim, was later disgraced, his other theories discredited, and he suffocated himself to death with a plastic bag.
The Uses of Enchantment: The Meaning and Importance of Fairy Tales answers the question: why do we tell terrifying fairy tales to kids? If you have ever read the Brother’s Grimm as they were originally written, they are, well, grim. There’s death and abandonment and kids getting eating by wolves and witches and everything we might want to shield our precious children from. Don’t, says Bettleheim. Children need those stories to work out their fears in a safe, bracketed, setting.
He goes on to interpret fairy tales along Freudian lines. Cinderella as you’ve never heard it before.
Bettleheim was also known for his theory of autism, which he thought was caused by children being raised by “refrigerator parents” who never show affect. This theory has since been disproven.
He ran a treatment center for children in which he tried out another theory of his, that of the “therapeutic milieu”. His milieu proved to be less than therapeutic when it came to light that he was physically and verbally abusive to the kids at the center.
So, you have a guy who preaches the value of scary fairy tales, who believes autism is caused by parents who don’t show their emotions, and who showed far too many of his emotions in a disrespectful, unrestrained way. I’m seeing a pattern here. A guy who privileges feeling over reason and uses his reason to justify it.
Still, I don’t believe we should discard one contributions of his just because the whole is too much to swallow.
The moral of the story: Don’t take yourself too seriously, believe your our theories too much, or take them too far. Especially if your name is Bettelheim.
Click here to go to the link


