The Addict’s Family Needs as Much Help as the Addict

Even if you’ve never done anything addictive in your life, if you love a person with an addiction, addiction is your problem, too. When an addiction takes over a person, it takes over a relationship. The people in the relationship disappear and the needs of the addiction consume everything. If you’re the person with the addiction, your job is to recover and get your self back. If you’re one of the other people, your job is to recognize the addiction, starve it, stay connected with the person, and feed him, all while going on with your own life. That’s why you need help.

Feed the person, starve the addiction, and get help

When I say starve the addiction, I mean, if you know what he’s like when he drinks too much, don’t buy beer for him. If he pukes all over the living room, have him clean it up. If he wakes up with a hangover, don’t keep the kids quiet. Don’t call in sick for his addiction. Don’t make excuses for it with his friends. Don’t keep its secrets. If you don’t know what you’re doing to feed the addiction, then get help so you can learn.

Starving the addiction doesn’t mean that you stop doing all nice things for your loved one. Feed the person. Identify those actions that make him stronger, that promote your bond. Continue to do those or resume them if you’ve stopped. People need certain essentials if they’re going to thrive. They need good food, clean water, a healthy environment, and a roof over their heads. They need to be safe and have access to healthcare. Because people are social creatures, they need to be surrounded by people who aren’t afraid to connect with them. Because people are self-aware, they need to have a sense of dignity and purpose to their lives. They need to have their positive efforts recognized. If they make amends, they need to be forgiven. Take away any of these, and you cripple their ability to change.

Once an addiction begins to take over, never try to face it yourself, even if it’s not yours. It’s too dangerous. It already took possession of your loved one. Now it’s coming for you. You need someone objective, preferably someone who understands addiction and its effect on relationships. Someone who isn’t afraid to tell the hard truth, but also someone who can say it delicately, so you can listen.

When I say the addiction is coming for you, I don’t mean you’ll have an addiction like your addicted loved one has, to heroin, for instance. Maybe, but not necessarily. Addiction changes form on its way to you. When it takes you over, it looks like something else. If you become resentful of him and his addiction, resentfulness becomes your addiction. If you feel injured by an addicted loved one, feeling like a victim becomes your addiction. If you grieve for everything that might have been if you didn’t have to deal with addiction, grief is your addiction now.

Addiction hates help

It might be obvious that an addicted person need help, but when an addiction is in charge, addicted people won’t accept it. Help is a threat to addictions. Addiction would rather everyone be in denial, so that it can work its evil in secret. You can tell how much your loved one has succumbed to the addiction by how much he resists working with the people who try to help him. If it seems like he’s always fighting with them, it’s really the addiction trying to defend itself.

If the addicted person is working with a helper, then the other partner needs to, as well. You both need to understand addiction and recovery. The helpers may need information about the condition that only onlookers can provide. You, your partner, and the helpers need to form a team that works together, not in isolation from each other.

If your addicted partner will get help to combat the addiction, that’s very good. If she won’t, then that should not stop you from getting help yourself. Remember, you’re next in line to succumb. Create addiction-free zones. Meet your friend for coffee, unload to your family, make an appointment with that counselor, if only so you can keep things straight and stay in contact with a rational world.

Unfortunately, loved ones of addicts have a harder time getting help than most. It’s tough to find a therapist who understands both addiction and families. In almost all addiction treatment centers, therapy for the family is an afterthought. So, start looking now, for it may take a while. Meanwhile, use self-help. The very least you can do for yourself is to attend the online Family Recovery Summit 7/24-28/2023. I’ll be there, talking about the road to reconciliation, and so will more than twenty-five extraordinary therapists, survivors, and advocates dedicated to supporting people like you. Registration for the free event is now open. To learn more about the event, speakers, and to secure your spot, click here.