Peeling the Onion

Old Posts

When you meet someone for the first time, you’re generally on your best behavior. You’ll present the most polite, least objectionable version of yourself that you can come up with. This is called the public face, the mask, or the persona. Most of us cultivate this persona as carefully as we edit our Facebook page. Indeed, the Facebook page is another, virtual version of the persona. You probably possess several personas, some for work, others for family, and another for each circle of friends.

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The Shrink’s Links: The Defensive Functioning Scale

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It’s not a question of whether or not you use psychological defenses. Everybody does. It’s really a question of what they are. Some, you see, are better than others.

The first defenses we develop are the primitive ones, cheap and dirty, the barrel bombs of psychological defenses. Later, we acquire more finesse. The most mature defenses do a fine job of protecting our tender psyches from attack with far fewer side effects.

Click on this link and look over the menu. They are listed from best to worst. Pick out the psychological defenses you most often use, then choose some better ones. You may be due to upgrade.

The Shrink’s Links: How to Understand Yourself

Bringing you the best of mental health every week.

A very smart man once came to me and said he wanted to understand himself.

“Have you read Freud?” I asked.

“No.”

“Jung?”

“No.”

“Lacan? Winnicott? Bion? Kline?”

“Never heard of any of them.”

“Did you ever take psychology?”

“I took a course or two. I graduated from Stanford summa cum laude, with a double major in biology and engineering, then I went to medical school at John Hopkins and got an MBA from Harvard.”

“In that case, I don’t think you’ll ever understand yourself. All that schoolwork has rendered you incapable. I could be wrong. If you want, I’ll give you a test, and if you pass, I’ll teach you to understand yourself.”

“Good. I can pass tests.”

“Two burglars come down a chimney. One comes out with a clean face, the other with a dirty face. Which one washes his face?”

“The burglar with the dirty face, of course.”

“Wrong. The one with the clean face. Think about it. The burglar with a dirty face looks at the one with a clean face and thinks his face is clean. The one with a clean face looks at the burglar with a dirty face and thinks his face is dirty. So the one with the clean face washes.”

“I get it. Next question.”

“Two burglars come down a chimney. One comes out with a clean face, the other with a dirty face. Which one washes his face?”

“You told me. The burglar with the clean face washes his face.”

“Wrong. They both wash. Think about it. The one with a dirty face thinks his face is clean. The one with a clean face thinks his face is dirty. So the burglar with a clean face washes. When the one with a dirty face sees him washing, he realizes his face must be dirty too. This is why they both wash.”

“I didn’t think of that. I’m ready for another.”

“Two burglars come down a chimney. One comes out with a clean face, the other with a dirty face. Which one washes his face?”

“Well, we know, both.”

“Wrong. Neither. Think about it. The one with the dirty face thinks his face is clean. The one with the clean face thinks his face is dirty. But when the one with the clean face sees that the one with the dirty face doesn’t bother to wash, he also doesn’t bother. They’re there to burglarize the place, not wash their face. It’s hopeless, you‘ll never understand yourself.”

“No, please, don’t give up on me. Give me one more chance.”

“Two burglars come down a chimney. One comes out with a clean face, the other with a dirty face. Which one washes his face?”

“Neither!”

“Wrong. Maybe now you’ll see why biology, business, medicine, and engineering can’t prepare you to understand yourself. Tell me, how is it possible that two men could come down the same chimney, and one comes out with a clean face, while the other has a dirty face?”

“But you’ve just given me four contradictory answers to the same question! That’s impossible!”

“Maybe, but contradiction is what you’ll have to accept if you’ll ever understand yourself.”

 

Many thanks to the Accidental Talmudist. I took his story and adapted it to my own use. Click here to go to his site.

Some Things You May Not Know About Substance Abuse, Part 18: You don’t know what you can do

You could learn a lot about addiction and recovery by watching the Wizard of Oz.

I’m not referring to the scene where Dorothy and her friends pass out in a field of poppies. That’s the only outright drug reference I can recall. I’m talking about the way Dorothy and her friends are traipsing all over Oz, trying to find the Wizard who can give them what they need. You remember. Dorothy wants to go back home. The Tin Man wants a heart, the Scarecrow a brain, the Lion, some courage. They’ve all been told the Wonderful Wizard of Oz can get them what they want.

Dorothy and her friends go through quite a lot of trouble for the Wizard. Together, they confront the Wicked Witch of the West and her posse of terrifying flying monkeys. Dorothy gets captured, the Scarecrow, Tin Man, and Lion demonstrate considerable ingenuity, loyalty, and bravery to sneak into the castle, and Dorothy unexpectedly murders the witch with a bucket of water.

I hope I’m not spoiling it for you.

They return to the Wizard and demand an audience. There they find the man behind the curtain. They discover the Wizard is a fraud.

Things couldn’t get worse for Dorothy and her friends at this point, it seems. Here they are, Dorothy, stuck in Oz, the Scarecrow, brainless, the Tin Man, heartless, the Lion, without his courage, and the Wizard, with no power to help. They went through all that for nothing. It couldn’t get much worse than that.

The Wizard certifies the intelligence of the Scarecrow by presenting him with a diploma. He confirms the Tin Man’s humanity by giving him a ticking heart-shaped watch. He awards a medal to the Lion for his courage. By this point, you know that these characters had these qualities all along. They just needed someone to say so.

The thing that saves the day for Dorothy is that, unbeknownst to her, she had possessed, the whole time, the very means by which she could return to Kansas: the Ruby Slippers. A few clicks of the heels and she’s back in the loving care of Auntie Em.

I think you can see the parallels between the plot of this story and addiction. The object of addiction, the drug, is the Wizard. The addicts confer wondrous powers onto the drug. They’ll do anything for it because they believe it’s the very thing they need. They run grievous risks and commit horrendous crimes for its sake. Then, at some point, they discover the drug is a fraud. It does not have the powers they thought it had. It does not, cannot, give them what they want. This moment of awareness is an awful one. People do not want to feel that way, so they’ll engage in denial and hold out hopes in the power of the drug long after it’s reasonable to do so. However, becoming aware that the drug is a fraud is a necessary step in the process of recovery.

If that was all recovery consisted of, it would not be such a good thing. If all that you experienced in recovery was that the drug is a fraud and you have been wasting your time, then you might think you might as well slit your wrists. Fortunately, there’s more to learn. You can learn that all the qualities you looked for in the drug, you already possess. Indeed, you may have even demonstrated these qualities as you sought the drug.

The man who wakes up every morning, sick, homeless, and broke and, somehow, finds a way to raise money for smack should be teaching MBAs at Harvard. The crack whore, who, against all reason, braves the hazards of the street for a moment of pleasure, Medal of Honor winners should be saluting her. The sex addict who deceives and eludes the person closest to him; who knows him best, should get an Oscar for his performance. If addicts could recognize the qualities they have, they wouldn’t need the drug. If they could use those qualities towards an objective other than obtaining drugs, they could go far in life.

This is why you might not realize you already possess great powers. You started off life as child, utterly ineffectual and enthralled by the capabilities of the big people around you. You got used to being helpless. You may have even liked it and preferred depending on someone or something else, rather than taking responsibility for yourself.

Another reason you might not know you have great powers, is that you have not had a reason to use them.

This is how self discovery works: A boy, when he is growing up, is always getting beaten by his big brother in basketball. He believes he’s just not that much of an athlete, so be becomes a bookworm, instead. He gets good grades and is accepted into Harvard. There, on the Harvard Yard, he begins playing Ultimate Frisbee with the other bookworms. He discovers, out of the shadow of his big brother, that he’s more athletic than he thought.

As life goes on, he discovers more things about himself. Having spent so much time in school, he doesn’t believe he can succeed in the real world, until get gets a job and does just that. He dates lots of people and believes he is incapable of commitment, until he meets the right girl and cannot think of anyone else. His first child is born and he is overwhelmed by the terror of having to raise another human being, but he goes on to be a good father. The point is that we never know what we can do until we try.

Of course, trying something requires a key ingredient: courage.

What makes a king out of a slave? 
    
Courage! 
    
What makes the flag on the mast to wave? 
    
Courage! 
    
What makes the elephant charge his tusk in the misty mist, or the dusky dusk?
What makes the muskrat guard his musk? 
    
Courage! 
    
What makes the sphinx the seventh wonder? 
    
Courage! 
    
What makes the dawn come up like thunder? 
    
Courage! 
    
What makes the Hottentot so hot?
What puts the “ape” in apricot?
What have they got that I ain’t got?
    
Courage.
(Sung by the Lion in The Wizard of Oz, Movie, 1939)

The Lion was right to desire courage. Without the courage to use them, no other qualities count for anything. Here’s the thing, though. You don’t possess courage before you use it, you develop it while in the act of using it. You create it while facing your fears.

The Shrink’s Links: The Enneagram

Bringing you the best of mental health every week.

If you were intrigued by my last post, Nine kinds of madness and the hole in the middle of it all, then you’ll love learning about The Enneagram. Enneagram is the Greek word for a nine pointed figure. The Enneagram is a model of personality that has been widely used to help people understand themselves.

You’ll learn a lot by studying the Enneagram, it is a rich source of insight. But one word of caution: don’t, for a minute believe that the human personality can be as simple as this, or any other schema suggests.

Click here to go to the website

Nine kinds of madness and the hole in the middle of it all

In the middle of everything, there’s this deep, dark, depressing hole. It’s a chasm, really, and when you fall in, sometimes there’s no climbing out. When we call it anything at all, we often call it death, brokenness, or despair. I like to call it the abyss, or, more familiarly, the hole or the pit.

A lot of us like to believe the hole is at the end of everything, not in the middle; but there it is in the middle, right in front of us. We walk around it, gaze into it, slip into it, and watch others fall into it all the time. We don’t like to think about it. It’s impolite to even acknowledge its existence.

We live at the edge of this hole; some, dancing at its rim; others, peering carefully in; most, with their back to it, as if it’s not there. We often find ourselves reeling, dizzy at the edge. We cling to something to prevent falling. Clinging to something enables us to live at the edge of the abyss more comfortably. We think, if we start to slip, we can haul ourselves out. Unfortunately, anything we cling to starts to fall into the hole, too; taking us down, with it. Everything must fall in the hole, eventually.

There are nine bushes that grow at the edge of this hole. Nine things to grab if you feel you’re about to fall. Nine supports that offer the illusion of security as long as they hold. Nine kinds of madness when they begin to give way.

Perfectionism

If you cling to perfectionism, you’re attempting to keep from falling into the pit by rejecting everything associated with it. You rid yourself of imperfection, remove any blemish, correct every deficiency, wash yourself clean with the soap of fastidiousness. You keep up standards, both with yourself and others, and maintain scruples. You’re the catalyst for reformation, an advocate for change. You’re attentive to details. You’re determined to leave the world better than when you found it. You believe your life will matter to the extent that you succeed. If this is a mission of your life, you may have become a lawyer, an accountant, a muckraking journalist, or a preacher with a prophetic voice. You have attention to details and you don’t miss a thing, just so you could seek perfection for a living.

Every one of these bushes represent something very positive and life affirming at first glance, but, when you rely too much on them, they become the agent of your undoing. Perfectionism contains its own special species of madness. The more you try to be perfect, the more imperfections abound. You become frozen, afraid to make a mistake. You easily slip into being rigid, repressed, critical, impatient, and resentful. You take pride in being better than everyone else. In cases of advanced madness, you become an avenging angel, or violent jihadist, bent on purging the world of evil, while becoming evil, yourself.

Helpfulness

This is the bush you hold if you say that helping others gives meaning to your life. You devote yourself to serving. You’re generous and self-sacrificing. You enliven others with your appreciation and attention. This keeps you from falling into the pit of despair. It’s how you say you matter. You may have become a doctor, a nurse, a teacher, or a therapist, yes, a therapist, just so you could help more people. If you’re a parent, you’re an especially good one, the cool kind who bakes cookies. The kind everyone wishes they had.

However, the more important helping becomes to you, the more your helping becomes the very thing that is the most destructive. You neglect yourself and your needs, thereby putting both yourself and the people you’re responsible for at risk. You become frustrated when, despite all your care and sacrifice, the people you help continue to be dysfunctional. You begin to feel entitled, under appreciated. You believe everyone else takes, while you, alone, give. Furthermore, the bright sun of your kindness casts a dark shadow, it hides a tendency to manipulate others to get your needs met. In cases of advanced madness, you may actually need to keep people dependent, irresponsible, and innocent so that you can believe you’re helping them.

Achievement

If you need to be validated in order to keep from falling in the abyss, if you chase success and crave admiration, if you’re hard working, competitive, and super focused in the pursuit of your goals, then this is the bush to which you cling. You’re the star, the captain of the football team, the homecoming queen, the embodiment of the best and the brightest. The thing you most fear is to be worthless. In doesn’t matter what you do for a living, just as long as people approve of it.

Beneath this shining image, this attractive veneer, is often a person who is very empty inside. You’ve spent so much time earning the praise of others that you’ve have forgotten what you want and need. You secretly believe you’re a fraud. You have a bazillion friends, but you’re hard to get to know, because you fear that, if anyone knew you, they would never love you. In cases of advanced madness, this narcissism takes an ugly turn and you become cold blooded and ruthless in the pursuit of your goals.

Individuality

If you grab the bush of individuality, you save yourself from the soul effacing-abyss by asserting what makes you different from everyone else. You develop unique talents. You may also be uniquely underprivileged or flawed, but you can be honest with yourself and own all your feelings, motives, contradictions, and conflicts without whitewashing them. You see yourself, warts and all, because it’s this ruthless candor that sets you apart and makes you significant. You can endure suffering with dignity. Your openness equips you to express yourself in the arts. What you most fear is losing yourself.

Your self-absorption easily gives way to a self-indulgence and self pity. Validation remains out of reach. No one understands you. You may not be able to understand anyone else. Because you focus so much on changeable feelings, you lack stability. You’re moody, morbid, and impractical. In cases of advanced madness, tormented by self-contempt, you drive away anyone who tries to help you.

Learning

If you look deep into the abyss and want to know more about it, it is the bush of learning that keeps you from falling in. You want to know why things are the way they are, how the world works, both the outer world and the inner world of your psyche. You create order out of chaos. You don’t accept received opinions and doctrines, you need to test the truth. You’re drawn to the sciences. You’re the geek, extraordinaire.

Lean on this bush too much and you can easily become lost in the Byzantine complexities of your own thoughts. You become eccentric and socially isolated. You get so caught up in abstractions, that you become an absentminded professor. You may become the leading expert in a very small slice of natural or social science, but, for all your learning, you’re unable to boil water. You become so engrossed with collecting knowledge, that you have no idea how to use it. In cases of advanced madness, you see patterns that aren’t there. You fall into psychosis.

Loyalty

If you feel small and powerless unless you attach yourself to something greater than yourself, then you are relying on the bush of loyalty. You use structures, allies, beliefs, institutions, and supports outside of yourself for guidance to survive. You’re consistent and reliable. You’ll fight for your family, your community, or your beliefs more fiercely than you will fight for yourself. You keep your head down and try not to stand out. What you fear most is abandonment.

Rely too much on loyalty and you will eventually lack confidence in your own judgment. Because you feel so insecure, you’ll attempt to build a network of trust on a foundation of unsteadiness and fear. The more important it is for you to trust, the more difficult it is to trust. When the bush gives way, you become paranoid, fanatical, and hysterical.

Enthusiasm

Since you only go around once in life, you’re going to grab for all the gusto you can. You want to live a full life, go everywhere, and experience everything. You approach life with curiosity, optimism, and a sense of adventure. You’re bold, flexible, and vivacious. You have chutzpah. This is the bush of enthusiasm. You’re the jack of all trades, and master of none. What you most fear is emptiness.

Cling to this bush too much and you will be unfocused and indecisive. As you speed up your pursuit of whatever seems to offer freedom and satisfaction, you make bad choices. You become impulsive and infantile; you don’t know when to stop. When the wheels come off, you become manic, claustrophobic, and panic-stricken.

Productivity

Some people see a hole and just want to fill it in, build bridges, and make improvements. This is the bush of productivity. If this is you, then you have enormous willpower and vitality. You take on any challenge. You leave your mark. You’re a born leader. You’re not afraid to take responsibility and inspire others. When you give commands, you expect they will be obeyed. You seek power and fear powerlessness.

When you’re this much into productivity, it’s easy to overlook difficulties that’ll bite you in the ass someday. You take the health of yourself and others for granted. You’re so intent on being tough, you lose touch with how you, or anyone feels. Under a steely exterior, you’re made of glass. When the bush gives way, you’re just a bully, a sociopath, a megalomaniac Sadam Hussein with no weapons of mass destruction.

Peace

Can’t we all just get along? Chill out, man; get grounded; connect with the cosmos. Sure, there’s a howling abyss right at your feet, but look at the view! Welcome to the peace bush; have a joint. If this is you, then you are accepting and trusting, optimistic and supportive. You’re a natural peacemaker. You could be a marriage counselor, a diplomat, a mystic, or a healer. You can see every point of view and empathize with everyone.

You can be too willing to go along with others to keep the peace. Because you want everything to go smoothly and be without conflict, you tend to be complacent, simplifying problems and minimizing anything upsetting. You can become slothful and inert. When the bush gives way, you’re catatonic, dissociative, and incapable of facing anything.

 

If you think the character traits I presented were stereotyped and cartoonish, then you got the point. If you thought one of those stereotyped and cartoonish descriptions were about you, then read on. By all means, read on, please.

The point is that, when we are faced with an existential crisis, when we see a vast, howling abyss right at our feet, when we are reeling at the edge of brokenness, despair, and nothingness, then we tend to grab on to something and get rigid. The nine kinds of madness are the things we grab onto. Perfection, Helpfulness, Achievement, Individuality, Learning, Loyalty, Enthusiasm, Productivity, and Peace don’t look like madness; but, when we rely too much on any one, when we put too much weight on it, it starts to give way and carries us down in the very pit we were trying to avoid.

There’s no point in saying, step away from the edge of the abyss. We live at the edge of the abyss, whether we chose to acknowledge it or not. So, what is there to do?

You’ve got to learn to swing from bush to bush. Grab on to your bush, by all means, but, when it starts to go, then look for another.

For example, if you’re into productivity and find that you’re starting to get bossy, reach over for the helpfulness bush and try doing things someone else’s way. When you’ve been clinging to helpfulness and you’ve lost yourself, then swing on over to individuality and find yourself again. When you’ve been hanging on to individuality too long, so that you become envious and emotionally turbulent, then try a stint of perfectionism, just to get more objective. Getting too hung up on perfection? Get a dose of enthusiasm and become spontaneous again. Too scattered now by all your enthusiasms? Go to learning and get more focused. Getting too impractical, professor? Well, go back to productivity, again. Do the demands of loyalty have you tense? Then chill out at the peace bush. Are you too chill, now? Then get fired up to achieve something.

Of course, this means you’re going to have to let go and reach across the void to grab on to something unfamiliar. You may look crazy, swinging from bush to bush over a bottomless chasm like a mad monkey; but you’ll be the most sensible person of all.

The Shrink’s Links: Still I Rise

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Links

Today’s link from the shrink is:

Still I Rise

Feeling oppressed?

Recite this poem to yourself and you’ll feel ready to take it on, anyway.

Good for all types of oppression.

Click here to go to the link

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