So, you’ve stopped drinking, or drugging, or gambling, or sleeping around. Your depression seems to have lifted. You haven’t been violent. Your anxiety no longer makes all the decisions. You’re up in the morning and dressed when you need to be. The madness seems to have gone away.
Has it, really?
Madness takes cover sometimes when it feels threatened. It’ll hide in the bushes and come roaring out when you least suspect it. Make no mistake, madness is cunning, baffling, and very, very patient. While you’ve been collecting key rings at your NA meeting, the madness has been doing pushups in the dark.
Madness prefers the dark. It likes to perform its dirty deeds in secret. The night belongs to Michelob. However, madness is rarely ever a real secret. It’s kidding you when you believe it leaves no trace. You can tell when madness is still afoot if you are willing to read the signs.
These are the signs:
You haven’t done the things promised for your recovery
If the problem behavior is gone, but you still haven’t been to see a therapist, attended meetings, written that letter of apology, changed associates, or done any of the things you promised, then the madness is just hoping you won’t notice.
The behavioral changes have been minor
The more serious the madness has been, the more excited you’ll be when there’s been a slight improvement.
You were drinking every day, now you’re thrilled that you cut down to once a week. You used to gamble away all of your paycheck, now you only buy a few scratch-offs. You used to beat your wife, now you only puts holes in the wall. The underlying attitudes towards drinking, gambling, or violence have not changed; the only thing changed is the frequency and severity.
When gardeners trim bushes back a little, they call it pruning; it doesn’t destroy the bush, it makes it grow more. The same thing happens when only minor changes are accomplished. You wouldn’t be satisfied with your surgeon if you had a mastectomy and he left some cancer behind, so don’t fool yourself by minor behavioral changes.
Other problems have arisen
Sometimes the illness plays whack-a-mole by extinguishing one problem behavior, only to transfer it to another. We see this frequently with addicts who will use one drug until the heat is on, and then switch to a different drug. Instead of scoring heroin on the street and using dirty needles, they get their narcotics from a doctor. You’ll think that’s an improvement, until you start to abuse those pills, too. The underlying issue remains.
Thinking has not changed
If the rationalizations that have justified the madness are still in evidence, then the madness has not gone away. You used to say you needed to drink, so you drank. Now, you don’t drink, but you still say you need to. Guess what? You’ll drink again. If the madness was truly gone, you’d no longer believe you needed it.
No fence has been built
It is not enough just to change the problem behavior to eradicate an illness. You also have to know the route that it takes before it arrives. You need to put up a gate and shut out behavior that, in itself, is not problematic, but leads up to the problem.
Madness comes masquerading as something harmless so that you will not see it coming. Pedophiles start off by making friends with a child. There’s nothing wrong with making friends with a child, right? But, then they gradually groom the child to accept more and more sexual behavior. We protect children from pedophiles by not permitting them to live near schools. This is not because it is bad to live near a school, but it is bad for pedophiles to live near schools.
Authentic recovery means that you see through all the disguises.
History is minimized
If the story you tell about the illness differs significantly from your partner’s, then the madness is still lurking about. If you talk about your depression only in terms of your suffering and leave out how it affected others, then you’ve not incorporated other points of view into your own. Your limited perspective is still all you have. You have an incomplete appreciation of the costs of your choices. You should be able to tell your partner’s side of the story as well as your own.
If your partner complains that you’re virtually unreachable, emotionally inaccessible, or sexually uninterested, then the madness may be in hiding. It doesn’t want people to ask too many questions, know too much, or get too close.
You’re always angry with your partner
You may be blaming other people for calling out the madness and challenging it. you may be using anger as a way to keep others away, off balance, and uninformed. You may still be taking sides with the madness, against your partner.
Your partner is working harder at recovery than you are
Your partner has been on you like white on rice. Ever since you had that affair, she’s been monitoring your phone, checking your whereabouts, scanning your emails, opening your letters. She met every single female acquaintance you have and gave them all the stink eye. She scrutinizes your expression when every waitress approaches. She tried every new position you wanted in an attempt to reawaken your sex life. She found a therapist for you, set up the appointment, went to every session, paid, and did the homework assignments. Your partner is working harder than you are.
If you have not taken responsibility for change, then you will not make the right choices the moment your partner’s back is turned.
You say everything is changed
You’re not the one to judge whether anything has changed. When your madness fools people, it fools you first.
You want to move on and not get stuck in the past
That’s the madness talking, trying to convince you to not learn from the past. Truly recovering people remind themselves of the past regularly, so that they’ll not repeat it.
You want credit for improvements
An adult straightens the house every day. He scrubs the toilets when they need it and mops the floor when it’s dirty. He doesn’t expect a medal for it. He just does it because it needs doing.
A toddler tickles the furniture with a feather duster once in a while and everyone will fall all over him, saying he was very helpful. That’s what they do for a child. Are you a child?
When madness takes over: the less you do, the more credit you think you deserve.
In a healthy world: you don’t earn special points for doing what you should have been doing all along.
It’s still all about you
Not only have you stopped the problematic behavior, but you’ve been going to therapy, attending AA, writing in your journal, and getting in touch with your feelings. These are all good things, but you’re still as self-involved as ever.
Real change means taking action towards becoming more loving, generous, caring, and empathetic towards others.
There are no signs
You looked over this list and you did not find a single thing that indicates madness may be lurking. There seem to be no signs. Well, that’s your sign. If you aren’t seeing signs, then you’re fooling yourself. There are always signs.
The road to recovery is the same road as the road to ruin; you’re just traveling in a different direction. You pass by the same markers as when you were heading to ruin. You should be seeing them now and recognizing them for what they are. You should also be seeing some signs that indicate you are heading in the right direction. You should be seeing meaningful change.