The Shrink’s Links: The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse

Bringing you the best of mental health and relationship articles on the internet.

Links

Today’s link from the shrink is:

The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse

It is possible to predict the long-term success or failure of a relationship with 94% accuracy by watching the first three minutes of a couple having a discussion about a conflict. Just watch and listen for the four horsemen of the apocalypse: marriage researcher, John Gottman’s name for four potentially destructive communication styles. Look out for criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling.

Today’s link is to Gottman’s blog where he begins a series about the four horsemen. Click here to read it. Navigate to newer posts to read more.

Enhanced by Zemanta

The Shrink’s Links: How to be an Introvert

Bringing you the best of mental health and relationship articles on the internet.

Links

Today’s link from the shrink is:

Skin Deep

Psychotherapist, Martha Crawford, writes about being an introvert:

Non-intimate social events and groups can make my skin crawl and my feet itchy. Any chatty, surface engagement requires that I set aside significant recovery time afterward. It is depleting enough for me to take part in these processes that unless I calibrate my exposure, I can become fatigued, burdened, impatient, and plain old cranky due to the amount of energy it takes for me compensate for my inherent nature. I end up spending all my fuel and taking in little – because I only truly refuel in private and personal spaces.

Click here to read more

Some Things You May Not Know About Your Self: You never really know yourself until you die

The younger a person is, I have found, the more they think they know themselves. They can be heard, saying things like, “I’m not like this, I’m like that… I never… I always… my personality is…”

They limit themselves this way.  That’s what I did.

The older I get, the more I surprise myself. I find myself doing things I never thought I could.

I’ve taken up many things later in life, never knowing that I would like them, never knowing I would be any good at it.

Ten years ago, I never played tennis. I thought it was an effete sport, with fussy clothes, and incomprehensible scoring. Watching it gave me a pain in the neck. Servile ball boys scurried around and tried to make themselves disappear. Then, one day, I played it with my nephew. I could barely hit the ball, but I had fun. I took lessons. Now I play twice a week and hit the ball well. I even figured out how to keep score. Much of the time, I win.

I like that there are things I might still discover. It gives me some options.

Why do we think we know ourselves before we do?

It happens this way:

A boy grows up with an older brother who always beats him at basketball.

Despite the fact that the older brother is older, bigger, and stronger, the boy assumes that he is not good at athletics because he always loses at basketball.

Because all siblings find their niche, the boy becomes a bookworm. He excels at school.

The boy grows up to go to Harvard because he thought he was good at school. There, he plays Ultimate Frisbee in Harvard Square between classes. Because he is not playing with his older brother, but other bookworms, he discovers he’s a good athlete.

He goes home for vacation and, for the first time in years, he plays his older brother at basketball. He beats him.

We come to conclusions about ourselves by comparing ourselves with others. How we think about ourselves depends on who we compare ourselves to, who we meet, who we get to know.

Each new person we meet, each new situation we are in, brings out a new part of us. When we limit ourselves, we never meet any new people, we never try new things. The more we think we know ourselves, the more we don’t.

New Class- Madness 101: Addiction

June 18, 2013, 7 to 9 pm

Rochester Brainery, Village Gate Mall, 274 N. Goodman St., Rochester, NY

13RB_PROD_Teacher_KeithWilson

Learn how the use of chemicals can drive us mad and how to stop the madness, based on fair and honest scientific research. No white coats, straitjackets  or pee tests. You will not be obliged to share. And, no, there will be no samples or lab for this class. It will be a mixture of instruction and discussion.

The teacher is none other but me,  Keith R Wilson, a Licensed Mental Health Counselor and Certified Alcohol and Substance Abuse Counselor in private practice. I have 25 years experience helping people with their issues. I want you to know what I know, so you can help them, too; and maybe yourself.

This is the second in a series. During each class we go through another species of madness and explore where it comes from, what it’s trying to say to us, and how to stop it. Stop the madness! You can sign up for a single class, or come to the whole series.

Sign up at www.rochesterbrainery.com or call 585-730-7034. The cost is $15.

New Class: Madness 101- Trauma

13RB_PROD_Teacher_KeithWilsonOn Tuesday, March 26th at 6:30-8:30 pm I will be teaching a class at the new Rochester Brainery, Madness 101.

I hope this to be a series, starting with, The Trauma Drama – Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. But you only have to sign up for one class at a time.

Participants will learn how the past will overstay its welcome, what happens when it does, and how to make it go away.

This class will be a mixture of instruction and discussion. There will be no white coats or straightjackets! Nor will you be obliged to share.

The Brainery is located at Village Gate Mall, 274 N. Goodman St, Rochester.

The cost is $16. Click here to go to the Brainery website and sign up.

Enhanced by Zemanta

Can’t Sleep? A Guide to the Land of Nod, Part II

So, you can’t sleep and, instead of tossing around some more in bed, you got up to do some surfing on the web. You found this site and clicked, hoping for some help, eager for a few zzz’s. Well, I might be able to help you by introducing you, one at a time, to a few established principles about sleeping and sleep hygiene. If I don’t help you sleep, then maybe I can help you feel better about not sleeping and productively use the time you now have while awake.

Can't sleep

Chemicals might mess up your sleep

 

You may be the last person in the world to hear this, but that cup of coffee you had just before bed might be keeping you up. It’s got caffeine in it, you know.

 

Actually, there’s quite a few people who sleep better after drinking a cup of coffee. I’m one of them, and I keep finding more every time I ask. I have a theory that the caffeine can work the same way that a stimulant paradoxically helps a hyperactive kid settle down by activating that part of the mind that organizes the rest.

 

The best thing is to know yourself how you respond to the foods you eat and the chemicals you put in your body. Don’t just rely on what you read on the internet.

 

Also, don’t believe your body’s initial reaction to the food or drink you just had. That double of bourbon may have put you out, but three hours later you’ll be up again as the cells of your body cry out for more. Every drug has a withdrawal phase in which you experience roughly the opposite of what you felt when you first took the drug. So, if you want to sleep for more than three hours, you might want to stay away from the liquor cabinet, and that pack of cigarettes, and that stash of cocaine you keep behind the microwave.

 

If you’re an addict in early recovery, you might as well forget about sleep. Just don’t expect it and be happy when you get it. No one in early recovery is able to sleep well, sometimes not for months. You screwed everything up with the chemical use and you’re just going to have to reset it. Accept it. You didn’t mind staying up all night when you were partying, so open up that book you’ve always been meaning to read.

 

Can’t Sleep? A Guide to the Land of Nod, Part I

So, you can’t sleep and, instead of tossing around some more in bed, you got up to do some surfing on the web. You found this site and clicked, hoping for some help, eager for a few zzz’s. Well, I might be able to help you by introducing you, one at a time, to a few established principles about sleeping and sleep hygiene. If I don’t help you sleep, then maybe I can help you feel better about not sleeping and use the time you now have awake, productively.

Can't sleep

Principle #1

You may not need to sleep eight hours a night to be able to function.

The eight hours business that you hear everywhere  is just an average, skewed by the double digit slumbers of teenagers. You remember how you slept when you were a teenager, sacked out, dead to the world until noon? Well, if you’re not a teenager, that’s not normal and you don’t need to sleep that way now to feel rested and rejuvenated. Basically, the older people get, the less sleep they need and that need varies with activity and stress level. So, if you can’t sleep, perhaps it’s because right now you just don’t need to sleep, you just want to.

You’ll never believe the number of people who toss and turn all night, trying mightily to get to sleep when they don’t really need to just because they heard that they eight hours are required. It’s better to know your own body and sleep or not sleep according to its dictates rather than trying to conform to some average.

 

Story Blindness

Sometimes a story will cause us to go blind. Let me tell you how it happened to me.

Years ago, I was traveling by Greyhound bus, scheduled to transfer at the Port Authority Bus Terminal in New York. This was in the early Eighties when New York was in the midst of a cocaine epidemic and the South Bronx looked like a war zone. All the talk among us passengers on the way to the Big Apple was how dangerous The City was. Most were happy to say that they had little time to wait for their next bus. I had two hours.

“Don’t talk to no one,” said the man sitting across the aisle. “Don’t even look at ‘em or they’ll take it as a challenge; but if they look at you, give ‘em the old stare down, right in the eye. That’s what tells ‘em not to mess with you.”

“Aren’t there police at the bus terminal?” asked the cute young woman sitting next to me by the window.

“Oh, the police don’t care. Most of ‘em are on the take. They just walk by and wink.”

The man across the aisle had a suitcase where his knees should’ve been, his legs were in the aisle, and his hand grasped, as if it were a scepter, a fishing rod with the hook still attached. A spoon lure waved by my eye whenever he moved the rod around. He was the kind that could take all the room he wanted because he never asked you if it was OK and never listened to you say that it wasn’t.

“But don’t you worry, honey. You can walk with me and I’ll look after you. I’m going to Raleigh.”

He had her hooked and was reeling her in, nice and slow. She gave him a smile that made me wish I wasn’t there in the middle. However, seeing that I was there, I just wanted this leg of the trip to be over and to see for myself how dangerous a bus terminal could be.

“The ones you have to watch out for the most are the Blacks wearing colors,” he said. “Red bandanas mean one kind and blue ones mean another. If you see both, don’t get between ‘em.”

The bus entered the city and we craned our heads to look at the buildings.

“Don’t look up or everyone will know you’re from out of town.”

The bus began a long ascent up a curved ramp into a parking garage. The fumes gagged us. He pulled his wallet out of his back pocket and the spoon lure swung in front of my face.

“I’m putting my wallet in my front pocket; otherwise the pickpockets will get it. Better safe than sorry.”

The young woman clutched her bag, even though we were still in the bus. “I’m so excited,” she said, “and scared.”

“When you walk with me, put your bag under your arm and keep it between us.”

At last the bus applied its brakes. We began to file out. They left together. “Stay close to me,” he said.

The two went off like young lovers, instead of the strangers I knew they were. Her long hair swung behind her. He held his suitcase in the same hand as the rod, leveled like a lance.

I went to find a place to spend the next two hours. There was a crowded café. I bought a coffee, a New York Times, a package of cookies, and turned to find a seat. There was only one available, with a large Black man sitting at the table; he wore a red bandana.

The seat wasn’t taken, so I sat, opened my paper, and sipped my coffee. He reached over, opened the package of cookies sitting on the table between us, took one out, and ate it. Just as the man with the fishing rod had warned, this place was lawless and dangerous.

My companion’s arms had more bulges than I thought possible. I would not still confront him directly. Not over a package of cookies. I was not going to be intimidated, either. I, too, took a cookie and ate it.

He looked up at me as he munched. This must’ve been the stare I was told about. I stared back. He took another cookie and ate that, too. I took a second, dipped it in my coffee and sucked it dry, never breaking our gaze.

This continued until all the cookies were gone, then, without another word exchanged between us, he stood up. I was in for it now and looked around for someone who would come to my aide. However, all the muscled-bound man did was to take the empty wrapper and throw it away as he left.

It took the rest of the layover before my heart rate died down to its proper pace. I didn’t want to be late for the bus that would take me out of this city. I finished the coffee and folded up the paper. Sitting there, underneath my New York Times, was my package of cookies.

Evidently, I had been eating his.

I told you this tale to illustrate how a narrative had influenced me so much that I initially failed to perceive the kindness and generosity of the man at the café. I could’ve gotten my ass kicked.

It’s necessary to always keep two things in mind and keep them separate: things as they are, and our stories about them. When we are at our leisure and feeling safe and secure, then we may be able to attend to things as they are without getting too caught up in stories. Listening to music, good food, work with our hands, a walk through the woods, worship, meditation; these activities often permit us to perceive things as they are. We lose ourselves in the moment. On the other hand, when we encounter something strange, or when we are called upon to perform or understand; then things as they are is not enough. We then look for an interpretation of things as they are. We create or accept a story that explains everything.

The man with the fishing rod had his own reasons to indoctrinate us to fear New York City. He wanted the girl to need to depend on him. I had my own reasons to listen. I was going to a new place, a strange place for me. The things he told us about the city provided me with a means to interpret what I would see. Certain things: the race of the man at the café, the color of his bandana, the stare, all things I normally would not have paid much attention to, gained special significance because he warned me about them. I thought I perceived signs of danger largely because I was expecting to see them.

Story telling is second nature to us, we often do not realize we are doing it, and we often confuse things as they are with our stories about them.

Powerful stories can come to blind us to alternate interpretations; just as I was so dominated by the danger story that I failed to see generosity. Many people who struggle with depression, anxiety, trauma, or anger problems are blinded by a story. The depressed person sees everything through a lens of hopelessness and loss. The anxious person is busy warning herself of the extreme risks she runs. The traumatized one is stuck in a horror story that gets retold over and over. The angry man has lots of examples of oppression and injustice.

Most of the time these stories that people tell to themselves have a kernel of truth. The New York City Story did. New York really was having a crime wave. But, at best, a story only captures general trends; it summarizes the gist of the data. It does not account for all of the exceptions to the rule.

What are the powerful stories that have dominated your life? What wonderful surprises might be waiting for you if you were to stop thinking and talking about things, but, rather, saw them simply as they were?